Sigh

What a busy, exhausting weekend. My mom passed away last week and we just finished up with all the services today. I can finally sit down alone and breathe. Not sure I like the stillness that much, though. Now I am able to comprehend more of what went on. Seems like time has stood still since the moment we got the phone call last tuesday saying she was gone. It's hard to imagine that other things happened in the world during these last few days. Didn't everyone's world stop the moment she left it? I know mine did. It's hard to condense all the feelings and experiences I have had in these last few days. Ranging from fear and anger and deep sadness to peace and joy and pride. I am so, so proud of my family. I loved that we were able to be together for our Family Dinner Night one more time, I love that we all turned right back around and went back as soon as we got the call that she was gone, I love that we toasted my mom with anisette (with the pastors, too!) , I love that we all cried and laughed and reminisced and cried some more together. I love that we can still tease my dad and laugh with him even in the hardest of times. I am amazed, but not surprised that nearly 700 people came through at the wake. What a testimony to my mom and what a hardship for our feet!
There are so many different aspects of our experience. How the kids handled it, how the adults handled it...so many stories and blessings. I don't even think I could recount them all.
I am feeling so much peace about my mom's passing. She wasn't herself these past few months. It wasn't how she wanted to live. She wanted to cook and play "garbage man" with my kids and read books to them and watch Bob the Builder with them. She wanted to go to church and then go out for breakfast at the Venetian. She wanted to go shopping with me at Kohl's and go to the kids' concerts and recitals. I am so thankful that I know without a doubt that she is whole again. Someone at the wake said that after she got her hug from Jesus in Heaven, the first thing she asked was "Now, where's the kitchen? And, where are all the babies?" Not sure how theologically sound this is, but I like to think of her up there making sauce for all the saints and rocking all the babies. And, also seeking out Noah and getting the full story from him.
But, along with the joy is also a deep sense of sadness. You see, my mom was my best friend, my confidant, my shopping buddy, someone I knew would always be proud of me no matter what. I need her. How can I raise my kids without her? How can my kids grow up without the love of Grammie, a love like no other? I will do my best to uphold her memory and talk of her often - but it's not the same as the real thing. I miss her.

Comfort

Morgan fell asleep in my arms tonight. Can't remember the last time that has happened. But, I found it so soothing. I've been having a rough time lately - lots of junk going on (I'll get into that later.)- and tonight I was feeling especially down. I was sitting here in front of the computer to turn my brain off for a while and she crawled up here next to me. I could tell she was tired because she was quiet. Usually she is asking questions, telling stories, just talking to hear herself talk. So, I asked her if she wanted me to hold her. She climbed right up and snuggled right in. I think she was asleep in minutes. I didn't want to put her down. She's so snuggly and warm and delicious. I rubbed her soft back, her silky hair until finally she shifted position and woke up a bit wanting to be more comfy in her bed. I reluctantly brought her in and now I sit here alone. But, I am so much calmer. It's amazing how that happens. Thank you, God, for the treasure of my children; they are your greatest gift to me.